Harmony Friends' blog

NOTE: Originally posted July 24, 2023.

I was cleaning out my desk
and I found an envelope
addressed to my old self
from you, saying
"You'll always be my hero".

Once, I really and truly believed
that that's what you felt about me.
But looking back,
it doesn't seem true at all.

Was I your hero when
you were screaming at me
for not working at your pace?

Was I your hero when
you told me that
I wasn't trying hard enough
to overcome my disability?

Was I your hero when
I came home from being bullied
for having imaginary friends
and your response was to say
"that's just the way things are"?

Was I your hero when
I looked inside myself
and realized I wasn't a man
and needed backup to fight the world
and you looked at me and said
"no, I know you better than you do"?

Was I your hero when
I recorded a "talk show"
with my stuffed animal pal
and your main takeaway was that
our voices were bad acting,
"poorly distinguished"?

Was I your hero when
I brought home that detention slip
and you screamed so loud
I shrunk into the chair
which you took as an insult
and then screamed louder?

Was I your hero when
you told me that
I didn't have any
significant trauma
especially compared to
a REAL abuse survivor
and to shut the fuck up?

No, no, no.

Your "hero" was simply
the idealized version of me
that you wanted me to be.

You couldn't handle the truth,
which is that I was just a child,
a disabled, traumatized child,
with nothing especially heroic
about her.

Your message doesn't come off
as encouragement, as love.
Coming from you,
it reads as a threat.
"Be my hero,
or else I'll scream at you again."